MOVIE, REVIEWED


ARCHANGEL ISN’T JUST A CITY IN RUSSIA “Legion”, reviewed

Posted in Uncategorized by MOVIE, REVIEWED on January 23, 2010

ARCHANGEL ISN’T JUST A CITY IN RUSSIA– “Legion”, reviewed

by Gregory A. Butler

2010 is less than a month old, and there are already two different religious themed action adventure films in general release – going to the movies is getting to be almost like going to church (and I have to write these reviews with a Bible next to my computer)!

This week, we have Scott Stewart’s “Legion”, “starring” a bunch of people you’ve never heard of – plus model/actor Tyrese Gibson and a pathetically wasted Charles S. Dutton.

Legion” is a theological mishmash, combining elements of the birth of Jesus Christ and the End Times – mixed in with zombie movie clichés and sub par John Woo-style gunfights.

It seems that God has lost faith in humanity (again) and, as He did in Genesis, he’s going to test us.

The first time, of course, it was with water – but, this time, it’s going to be with – people possessed by angels who turn into zombies, grow shark teeth and black eyeballs, develop a taste for raw meat and like to use a lot of swear words?

Hey, wait just a minute here – that wasn’t anywhere in Revelations!!!!

Apparently it is in screenwriter Peter Schink’s version of the Bible (can we get a ruling from Pope Benedict XVI on this?)

In any case, God decides to send his two archangels – Michael (Paul Bettany – who actually does a pretty good job, considering the material he was working with) and Gabriel (Kevin Durand) with His army of angel/zombie/shark toothed demons to wreak havoc on humanity (or at least the State of Arizona) and – most importantly – prevent the birth of the fetus being carried by pregnant roadside diner waitress Charlie (Adrianne Palicki – a basic cable television actress much of who’s work has been voice acting on Adult Swim cartoon shows).

Apparently, if Charlie gives birth, her son (you knew it couldn’t be a DAUGHTER, right?) will grow up to be some sort of messiah or something.

The Joseph to Charlie’s not quite so virginal Mary is her coworker/roommate Jeep Hanson (Lucas Black) a hapless short order cook/car mechanic who is trapped deep in Charlie’s “friend zone”.

The truck stop they work at is destined to be the site of the final battle between Good and…. Good? Again, the theology is kind of fuzzy here, so I’m not quite sure.

Michael has problems with God’s plans, so he comes to Los Angeles and kills some random Korean-American toy store owner who, conveniently, has a huge stockpile of automatic rifles in his warehouse (why exactly a toy warehouse would be filled with firearms is never explained)

After arming up and carjacking a police car, our archangel goes out to the desert to defend Charlie and the savior/messiah whatever inside of her uterus.

You know what comes next.

The desert diner will have a plentiful supply of stock characters, who will, all too predictably be killed off in various odd ways by the angel/demon/zombie whatevers.

There will also be lots of what film folks call “exposition” – that is, the action stops so the actors can explain a bunch of stuff to you, the audience (instead of actually SHOWING YOU – because, of course, if they actually showed you it would be, oh, I don’t know too entertaining – hell, the film might actually be exciting and you might actually get some fun for your $ 12.50, and we can’t have that, now can we?)

There will also be the usual stereotypical stuff with the Black characters too – and they get to die heroically saving White people.

And, of course, there will be the typical John Woo-style firearms that never jam, have bottomless clips which never run out of bullets, do not have any recoil and have all of the other physics-defying characteristics that you see far too much of in Hollywood movies.

At least this film actually had safety catches and bolts on the guns – they didn’t just fire like magic, like they usually do in films like this.

This film has some of it’s own special forms of suck as well – like an exposition scene with Charlie and Jeep that turns into – an editorial against abortion!

What is this – Fox News?

Bottom line, if you can only see just one Christian-themed action adventure movie this year …let it be “The Book Of Eli”!

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 is unwatchably bad – 10 is incredibly awesome) I give “Legion” a 4.53 [and that’s with a 1.44 bonus point for casting Charles S. Dutton – cause that brother deserves to get work more often!]

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